sometimes i think too much

Nathan and Juli Prentice are officially homeowners. I am beyond excited to move into our new digs and will post pictures as soon as I have some. I'm especially excited about having trick-or-treaters come to our door on Halloween. I've already bought the candy and am determined to introduce myself to lots of moms in our new neighborhood. It's going to be great.

But with this new chapter in our life beginning it's hard for me not to be a little sad. Not sad that we're leaving behind the life of renting...the loud and nosy neighbors I can do without. I can also do without being able to hear whatever my husband is doing wherever I am in our apartment...a little privacy, or at least quiet time will be nice.

No, funnily enough I'm not sad about leaving the past behind. I'm sad about what the future may hold. 

Sheesh, Juli...how 'bout having some hope? Oh, well...some days are like this. 

Last night, when we had our first look at our house as official owners (we have our own keys!!) I looked at the four bedrooms in our new house and it suddenly seemed really possible that we may not fill one of those bedrooms with another child.  

When people ask me if we'll be having another I always say that I'm up in the air, but in my heart of hearts know that I want another, whatever the cost. I've never seriously considered the possibility of not having more. But today I am. And it's breaking my heart.

I stumbled across this blog today and I don't know if it's because their oldest's name is Seth, or because they had a little girl like Nathan and I have always talked about, or if its just the combination of lack of sleep with all the heavy emotional lifting that transition requires....but in reading this post I broke down. 

My heart aches with the possibility that our family won't have moments like this. I want Sethy to be a big brother. I want to have more than one set of little feet in the house, I want to love another person just as much as I love Seth. The experience of loving children as a mother is too amazing to not do again. If today is just a snapshot of the grief I'll feel if we officially decide not to have more children, buy stock in Kleenex. Seriously.

God has truly given us a gift in being able to bear children, to experience in part, the love he has for us as His children. The fullness of the love I have for Seth, in all its imperfection, inspires me to fathom the depths of the heart of God.  There are no words for what a phenomenal gift it is to be perfectly loved by the Creator of the Universe and the chance to gain deeper understanding of that love, even if it involves suffering through another pregnancy, is an incredible blessing.

I suppose only God knows what the future holds for the Prentice Family. I'll end just by thanking Him for that, and for letting me experience my love for Seth, no matter what He has in store for us. One is enough for now. :)